i really miss her.



i can look at pictures all i want, but that doesn't seem to satisfy my longing.

her pictures have changed somehow...

her life is captured in tiny beautiful seconds, but now those pictures seem so much more permanent.



Today, i kept having flashbacks...



the kind of flashbacks like in movies, where you lose yourself so deeply and you come back to reality in more or less a jolt or a shock.



the flashback today consisted of me calling Kathleen and telling her, rather numbly, that my mother passed away...she was instantly upset, crying, i could hear her co-worker in the background asking her if she was okay...



then it was back to the lecture my professor was going on about...



just as fast as i came back to reality, i left...



i was sitting in the private waiting room with my brother and dad and ben...

i didn't know what happened.

i wasnt with her.

i knew it was not going well. if it was just a scrape, or bump on the head we would have been in the general area.

i thought that if i had the chance to see her as soon as i got to the hospital she would be okay. we would all be okay. i never had that chance...but i know it wouldn't have made a difference...