"Fuck my life"

Why is it when you like someone you seem to drop all plans to make things accommodate for the both of you? You give up your time when it is better for the other person, it sounds so endearing and sweet, but when that part in the relationship isn't mutual - you are the only one giving up that time, it becomes dumb and unfair. It's stupid ... it's like you have to play the game. Becoming too easy to reach just makes for dependency, becoming anti-social and an even better chance of becoming clingy. I am none of those.
On the contrary, if you become hard to reach, it is more intriguing, it makes desire...then again, if you are never available the person will move on.

Balance? What is the correct amount? Why can't all play fair?

I hate working on another person's schedule.
I also hate ambiguous texts and when the other party is non responsive.
But I like him a lot and I admire his schedule...

Give Time a Chance.

I'm growing more conscious of time and aging.
As funny as it sounds, we are getting older. Life is already starting for some, and for some ending; all new chapters, I suppose.

October 25th 2008
...is when life officially hit.
I know we are getting older, and that sounds so obvious, however, you never notice it as a kid.
Things are constantly changing, life is happening.
It is a shock that I never acknowledged it before.

I remember driving home from the hospital knowing that I would not be able to view life the way I had been. After witnessing a friend turn into a mother, I knew. I learned that life is upon us, it has been and it will be, we just haven't given it proper consideration. I know I haven't reached the same age as my friend mentally, because of her transformation, but I think it is so beautiful.
It made me so happy, it was illuminating.
I was so grateful, not only for her and her child, but for what they have both made me recognize.

(life is beautiful)

I'm feeling compassionate about time and change, I'm embracing what's here and now, but I'm not afraid to let go.

This year is almost over, and I'm coming across more anniversaries than ever, which is so awesome. To think that even though we aren't in the same "place" now, it's amazing to be able to be together so long and change together along the way.

It's time for appreciation.

foot in mouth

men:// face value, sometimes blunt, more straightforward than the opposite sex, seem to like to tell it as it is....

is that the truth?

women://over-analyzing, coy, should play "hard-to-get", always expects the opposite sex to "understand" where they come from

really?


so if men and women really embody these stereotypes, one would think that it would be a good thing to mix it up. Such as a woman being straightforward and honest and men playing more of the mysterious role.
Not in the slightest would that work...majority rule in this subject.
Most women are not going to wear their heart on their sleeve, and if they do they are considered easy and disregarded.
Most men don't want to be perceived as emotional or sensitive so they will not be more coy or "hard-to-get"

By instinct they are hunters, they enjoy a fine chase.

They don't want their ladies to be too available or easy to contact...they want it to be hard as to feel accomplished when they get what they want.

Am I right?

It sounds so categorized...but isn't it true?

I've never had a good experience with a guy when I told him upfront, "I like you."
In fact that killed whatever there may have been.
In a sense I was too easy.
Too available...

What is wrong with that?

Normally, if you like someone you want to spend time with them and get to know them...
I can understand that it can become overbearing and an invasion of space, but geeze...you just communicate and assess your situation.

Why can't people be honest with each other?
I think it's because no one wants to hear it.

And as I have recently relearned in the past day, I may have strong opinions, but they are not meant to be shared with everyone. So perhaps this is the same thing...if you like someone you should probably just keep your mouth shut.

Involve

Is this something I want to get myself into?

My priorities this year are focusing on myself…doing well in school, creating a better portfolio, meeting new people, and making enough unfortunate money to afford the things I desire. I’m starting off pretty well, if I may say so; living a good life, this semester hasn’t been too difficult, however, we are all only heading into the 3rd week.

I am determined in life to experience as much as I can; good and bad just go hand in hand. Critical decisions are coming to surface, and that’s why I question…if I should become involved in an uncertain situation.

“What’s life without a little risk?” vs. “Stick with what you know”

Recently, a failed love attempted his way back into my life. I’m not sure how to take this surprising effort. I honestly wasn’t expecting to ever hear from this person again, and I wasn’t going to contact him. His implications and our talks got me curious as to what he wanted. Needless to say it is rather confusing, yet the idea of trying again was implied…last December we started a pretty great relationship, everything seemed to be swell, we got along, connected, and enjoyed being around each other and then within the last of the six months that we were together, it seemed to all fall apart. The way it seems, in retrospect, we started clashing. Avoidance and a lack in communication pushed us over the edge. I got the feeling that he didn’t want to be there and I was overly underappreciated.

So with that in mind, is it worth thinking about again if things were to change for the better? Or would we clash once more with differing personalities and not necessarily morals, but perspectives?



So we are at a stand still.

Is this a worthless consideration, or something to think about?

I don’t think I’m ready for the kind of relationship that was had. It was too serious for something that should’ve been an experience in getting to know one another.

I just not sure if this could be a good thing.I’m open to any feedback.

change?

I have a new neighbor…as of today, I believe. I’m not sure of her age or appearance, but I know she speaks her mind through her bumper stickers. Not to say all people who post opinions on their cars are outspoken…but it does cause a small riot within someone else with different views; especially if they are strong believers in their own thoughts.
Hopefully she is like her car. Outgoing. I think we would get along.

I’ve been looking at myself lately…analyzing…
Is it the matter of a lack of self-confidence or is it really that I admire so many qualities in people, that I want to share in them as well?

Am I that impressionable?

Personally, I’d like to think that I am trying experiences for myself to answer my own questions…and I suppose that shouldn’t matter to what other people perceive.
However, when I think back on it…I let people really influence me.
I know what I like, but around people I admire I switch my thinking.

Open-minded or impressionable?

This leads me to want to experiment…to not see anyone I know for a week or two…but I couldn’t do that, I really wouldn’t want to. If this is part of my “self discovery” then I want my friends to be there and take part.
My inspirations come from an array of people, and I feel that those qualities that I admire in those people give me aspirations of being a better person. So I shouldn’t question myself. Everything’s been done before; I’m just trying it at my own pace.

Act Naturally

Is it better to be insincere and not show emotion or to put it all on display?

What if the timing doesn't sync between two attracting properties?

I suppose it depends on the person and their perspectives...hmmm.

I like someone and it's mutual. It's nice to be in each other's company, we get along, and that's all there is.

And since August has started it's been so nice having my friend around. I've appreciated the company, the conversations, &laughter -- I don't know, in my opinion, we fit together.

Out of all the types of relationships a person goes through, i believe the best ones are open and honest. Friends are hard to find, and that makes your "ships" more worthwhile. Sometimes you have to weed through the nastys to find those few that you just connect with...the ones you feel comfortable around. Those are true friends, the kind that accept you with all your flaws, give you sound advice and all the dirty details whilst taking it from you as well. Those types define companion, and I'm really happy to say I have more than one, but less than three.

Imagine

This morning as I sat and watched the sunrise with my friends, I felt content.
We sat on the damp roof observing the changing colors and embraced the coolness in the air...
It was relaxed and calm...the silence was warm and the conversations fluid and easy.
In retrospect it was an ideal/romantic morning.

I believe everyone questions humanity and the world around them, but it's moments like this when one can really appreciate having someone along the same lines with similar and different thoughts. That's what relationships are built off of...the giving and taking of each others input and output.

When the sun was done hiding, we came down and had donuts.
a sweet ending.

Karma

It's come to my attention that I haven't been viewing life.
I haven't been enjoying the scenery...and that's wrong.

So as of today that's what I shall live for.

Beauty in all of life.

"rock on"

It’s obvious that music affects our moods… when it comes to preference, people listen to music because 1. they like it and/or 2. it makes them happy. Different music makes different people feel good...SO, that's why they listen to it. Why would someone take the time to listen to something that made them unhappy, unless they wanted to be unhappy?

Thinking about how music creates different feelings I came across another question:

Does the atmosphere also affect the mood or the way you listen to the music?

I suppose the atmosphere could also mean the people you are with at the time…you get certain feelings from the energies of different people and "feed" off of it, so it makes sense that they would also have an act in the mood or emotion.
I came across this question last night/early this morning. I was at a newly acquired friends’ place and we sat on the couch just listening to the sounds of Radiohead – I believe, don’t hold me to it. It was then that I realized that at any other time I wouldn’t have heard it the same. Right then I was sitting and focusing on the melodies and sounds from all the instruments…it was a nice relaxing feeling, the kind I normally get when I realize what a poem actually means behind the denotative meaning.

Music is always a nice element to have around you, especially if it evokes sentiment and positive feedback.

I was talking to the friend about it—he proposed-in the midst of multiple conversations-that the everyone’s tonal fluctuation was changing with the music. Going back to my vague thesis, music does affect mood and setting.

Music is powerful. It's wonderful something so complex yet simple can move people in such a way.

Breaking up.

I’m revisiting the subject due to everyday occurrences. I will admit it is partly my fault for bringing this feeling upon myself…playing old love songs that admire having a sense of hope and romance, flashbacks of my favorite memories of being together; however, the feeling has also been brought out with media.

Writers and producers use romantic comedy to relate to their audience, and it works quite well. It seems with every episode I am brought back to that moment, when we lost each other…except it wasn’t as funny and it hurt badly.
This goes along with the music that I choose to play. Even though it is at my doing, the songs still revert me back to old feelings and fond memories. Why couldn’t I choose some feminine empowering type of music?!

I just need some distraction, and currently I don’t have any. There seems to be someone always asking “Where is he?” “What happened?” “Do you have a boyfriend?” – And then I answer honestly and politely, “It didn’t work out.”

Lately I’ve come across what I think could be a ghost in my apartment, pacing back and forth beside my bed…maybe it’s not a ghost at all, perhaps it’s something I want to be there. I’m not sure.

I suppose I still haven’t moved on fully, but like I said, there is nothing to distract me.