High and Dry

I know this is the way it should be, and probably should have been...
but the first time I wasn't ready.

I wish I was a high enough priority to him...but I understand now that just as he puts himself first, I must do the same for myself. I can't wait around for someone who won't do the same for me. It's one thing if it's mutual, but I felt like I was waiting for the next gig to be over, everynight.

I'm numb to this, but I'm not immune.
This entire experience makes me feel like I'm not worth ranking in his life...well, now it's proven because we aren't together.

I don't think I was asking too much, I just asked him to do more things with me during the daytime. I wanted to share experiences with him so we could have things to talk about and learn more about each other.

I really care about him still, but I care about myself more.
I don't think that's wrong.

viva la vida?

I have so many reinforcements that remind me everyday that I live such a great and wonderful life. I'm not pregnant, nor am I anywhere near being engaged or married, my friends are everywhere and so dependable. I live with one of my best friends, we have clouds in our hallway. We have an art studio. We watch movies together; we have mutual friends.
She gave me the master bedroom...talk about rockin'
I have two cats that clean, fight, love, sleep, and eat together. They sleep with me every night, and I wouldn't want it any other way.
I live close-we're talking walking distance-to everything that I need (with the exception of my family - they are driving distance, poop)
My boyfriend has goals and aspirations, is hard-working and loves the art I make, he has glasses and green hair, and I wouldn't have it any other way.
My classes are based on art making, and reading -- two things I love very much.

My heart is palpitating.

Did I mention I have clouds?
John Lennon hangs on my wall next to all my friends in captured moments.
My friends come in various shapes and forms -- but all seem to fit into this life puzzle.
I can pin a color to each of my friends...
for example:
Kathleen F. - Sea foam green
Kris - Baby Blue or maroon
Azure - Bright Pink
Ben - Green or blue

I think I would be a mustard yellow color.
That or a medium grey or a dark enchanting purple.

Epiphany

I realized as I rested my cheek on his forehead and he his head on my chest...
My right arm cradled his crown as my left hand stroked his face
His embrace was endearing and sincere
I couldn't move even if I had wanted to
I was enamored and I wanted to keep that moment for as long as I could
His heavy breathing
His soft skin under my fingers
Our entanglement
In that moment I realized I adore him.

Save Ferris.

I must be daft.

Yet again I am very fond of a guy that has yet to get over his ex-.
It must be a sense of longing, the desire to be that one...

I could see concern in his eyes when he told me the answer I had been looking for.
That, too, I keep finding myself doing, even though I had become so good at not asking questions I already knew the answer to.

I shoot myself in the foot.
I suppose it's best to find out now, however, than waiting and then figuring it out -- only knowing that the information had not changed in the prior, and you just denied it.

I don't regret how things have ended up, but again I followed my heart instead of being logical...
I keep running through the dialog in my head if we were to have this conversation

Basically...
"So...yeah, I can admit I'm a little jealous, if not more concerned...so do you still have feelings for her?"

"...Well...to be honest, yes, she was a big part of my life"

"yeah...that's what I figured..."

and then it could go one of two ways...thus being...

1. I could listen to my head and get out of it before it gets too serious....knowing that there obviously wasn't enough time for him to consider what he wanted

2. I could be cool about it and just take it as it is...because it's never going to go anywhere but here...the stereotypical girl way....

say I go with 2...it's going to end like this

"so, I talked to her and we've decided to give it another go...I'm sorry it didn't work out..."

"uh, yeah, thanks for being honest at least. See ya"





Shit, man....I'm down.

Why do I have to ask such stupid questions?
Why can't I just realize that I'm not going to be someone's someone?

I don't want it, but how I long to be longed for.