i really miss her.



i can look at pictures all i want, but that doesn't seem to satisfy my longing.

her pictures have changed somehow...

her life is captured in tiny beautiful seconds, but now those pictures seem so much more permanent.



Today, i kept having flashbacks...



the kind of flashbacks like in movies, where you lose yourself so deeply and you come back to reality in more or less a jolt or a shock.



the flashback today consisted of me calling Kathleen and telling her, rather numbly, that my mother passed away...she was instantly upset, crying, i could hear her co-worker in the background asking her if she was okay...



then it was back to the lecture my professor was going on about...



just as fast as i came back to reality, i left...



i was sitting in the private waiting room with my brother and dad and ben...

i didn't know what happened.

i wasnt with her.

i knew it was not going well. if it was just a scrape, or bump on the head we would have been in the general area.

i thought that if i had the chance to see her as soon as i got to the hospital she would be okay. we would all be okay. i never had that chance...but i know it wouldn't have made a difference...

High and Dry

I know this is the way it should be, and probably should have been...
but the first time I wasn't ready.

I wish I was a high enough priority to him...but I understand now that just as he puts himself first, I must do the same for myself. I can't wait around for someone who won't do the same for me. It's one thing if it's mutual, but I felt like I was waiting for the next gig to be over, everynight.

I'm numb to this, but I'm not immune.
This entire experience makes me feel like I'm not worth ranking in his life...well, now it's proven because we aren't together.

I don't think I was asking too much, I just asked him to do more things with me during the daytime. I wanted to share experiences with him so we could have things to talk about and learn more about each other.

I really care about him still, but I care about myself more.
I don't think that's wrong.

viva la vida?

I have so many reinforcements that remind me everyday that I live such a great and wonderful life. I'm not pregnant, nor am I anywhere near being engaged or married, my friends are everywhere and so dependable. I live with one of my best friends, we have clouds in our hallway. We have an art studio. We watch movies together; we have mutual friends.
She gave me the master bedroom...talk about rockin'
I have two cats that clean, fight, love, sleep, and eat together. They sleep with me every night, and I wouldn't want it any other way.
I live close-we're talking walking distance-to everything that I need (with the exception of my family - they are driving distance, poop)
My boyfriend has goals and aspirations, is hard-working and loves the art I make, he has glasses and green hair, and I wouldn't have it any other way.
My classes are based on art making, and reading -- two things I love very much.

My heart is palpitating.

Did I mention I have clouds?
John Lennon hangs on my wall next to all my friends in captured moments.
My friends come in various shapes and forms -- but all seem to fit into this life puzzle.
I can pin a color to each of my friends...
for example:
Kathleen F. - Sea foam green
Kris - Baby Blue or maroon
Azure - Bright Pink
Ben - Green or blue

I think I would be a mustard yellow color.
That or a medium grey or a dark enchanting purple.

Epiphany

I realized as I rested my cheek on his forehead and he his head on my chest...
My right arm cradled his crown as my left hand stroked his face
His embrace was endearing and sincere
I couldn't move even if I had wanted to
I was enamored and I wanted to keep that moment for as long as I could
His heavy breathing
His soft skin under my fingers
Our entanglement
In that moment I realized I adore him.

Save Ferris.

I must be daft.

Yet again I am very fond of a guy that has yet to get over his ex-.
It must be a sense of longing, the desire to be that one...

I could see concern in his eyes when he told me the answer I had been looking for.
That, too, I keep finding myself doing, even though I had become so good at not asking questions I already knew the answer to.

I shoot myself in the foot.
I suppose it's best to find out now, however, than waiting and then figuring it out -- only knowing that the information had not changed in the prior, and you just denied it.

I don't regret how things have ended up, but again I followed my heart instead of being logical...
I keep running through the dialog in my head if we were to have this conversation

Basically...
"So...yeah, I can admit I'm a little jealous, if not more concerned...so do you still have feelings for her?"

"...Well...to be honest, yes, she was a big part of my life"

"yeah...that's what I figured..."

and then it could go one of two ways...thus being...

1. I could listen to my head and get out of it before it gets too serious....knowing that there obviously wasn't enough time for him to consider what he wanted

2. I could be cool about it and just take it as it is...because it's never going to go anywhere but here...the stereotypical girl way....

say I go with 2...it's going to end like this

"so, I talked to her and we've decided to give it another go...I'm sorry it didn't work out..."

"uh, yeah, thanks for being honest at least. See ya"





Shit, man....I'm down.

Why do I have to ask such stupid questions?
Why can't I just realize that I'm not going to be someone's someone?

I don't want it, but how I long to be longed for.

"Fuck my life"

Why is it when you like someone you seem to drop all plans to make things accommodate for the both of you? You give up your time when it is better for the other person, it sounds so endearing and sweet, but when that part in the relationship isn't mutual - you are the only one giving up that time, it becomes dumb and unfair. It's stupid ... it's like you have to play the game. Becoming too easy to reach just makes for dependency, becoming anti-social and an even better chance of becoming clingy. I am none of those.
On the contrary, if you become hard to reach, it is more intriguing, it makes desire...then again, if you are never available the person will move on.

Balance? What is the correct amount? Why can't all play fair?

I hate working on another person's schedule.
I also hate ambiguous texts and when the other party is non responsive.
But I like him a lot and I admire his schedule...

Give Time a Chance.

I'm growing more conscious of time and aging.
As funny as it sounds, we are getting older. Life is already starting for some, and for some ending; all new chapters, I suppose.

October 25th 2008
...is when life officially hit.
I know we are getting older, and that sounds so obvious, however, you never notice it as a kid.
Things are constantly changing, life is happening.
It is a shock that I never acknowledged it before.

I remember driving home from the hospital knowing that I would not be able to view life the way I had been. After witnessing a friend turn into a mother, I knew. I learned that life is upon us, it has been and it will be, we just haven't given it proper consideration. I know I haven't reached the same age as my friend mentally, because of her transformation, but I think it is so beautiful.
It made me so happy, it was illuminating.
I was so grateful, not only for her and her child, but for what they have both made me recognize.

(life is beautiful)

I'm feeling compassionate about time and change, I'm embracing what's here and now, but I'm not afraid to let go.

This year is almost over, and I'm coming across more anniversaries than ever, which is so awesome. To think that even though we aren't in the same "place" now, it's amazing to be able to be together so long and change together along the way.

It's time for appreciation.

foot in mouth

men:// face value, sometimes blunt, more straightforward than the opposite sex, seem to like to tell it as it is....

is that the truth?

women://over-analyzing, coy, should play "hard-to-get", always expects the opposite sex to "understand" where they come from

really?


so if men and women really embody these stereotypes, one would think that it would be a good thing to mix it up. Such as a woman being straightforward and honest and men playing more of the mysterious role.
Not in the slightest would that work...majority rule in this subject.
Most women are not going to wear their heart on their sleeve, and if they do they are considered easy and disregarded.
Most men don't want to be perceived as emotional or sensitive so they will not be more coy or "hard-to-get"

By instinct they are hunters, they enjoy a fine chase.

They don't want their ladies to be too available or easy to contact...they want it to be hard as to feel accomplished when they get what they want.

Am I right?

It sounds so categorized...but isn't it true?

I've never had a good experience with a guy when I told him upfront, "I like you."
In fact that killed whatever there may have been.
In a sense I was too easy.
Too available...

What is wrong with that?

Normally, if you like someone you want to spend time with them and get to know them...
I can understand that it can become overbearing and an invasion of space, but geeze...you just communicate and assess your situation.

Why can't people be honest with each other?
I think it's because no one wants to hear it.

And as I have recently relearned in the past day, I may have strong opinions, but they are not meant to be shared with everyone. So perhaps this is the same thing...if you like someone you should probably just keep your mouth shut.

Involve

Is this something I want to get myself into?

My priorities this year are focusing on myself…doing well in school, creating a better portfolio, meeting new people, and making enough unfortunate money to afford the things I desire. I’m starting off pretty well, if I may say so; living a good life, this semester hasn’t been too difficult, however, we are all only heading into the 3rd week.

I am determined in life to experience as much as I can; good and bad just go hand in hand. Critical decisions are coming to surface, and that’s why I question…if I should become involved in an uncertain situation.

“What’s life without a little risk?” vs. “Stick with what you know”

Recently, a failed love attempted his way back into my life. I’m not sure how to take this surprising effort. I honestly wasn’t expecting to ever hear from this person again, and I wasn’t going to contact him. His implications and our talks got me curious as to what he wanted. Needless to say it is rather confusing, yet the idea of trying again was implied…last December we started a pretty great relationship, everything seemed to be swell, we got along, connected, and enjoyed being around each other and then within the last of the six months that we were together, it seemed to all fall apart. The way it seems, in retrospect, we started clashing. Avoidance and a lack in communication pushed us over the edge. I got the feeling that he didn’t want to be there and I was overly underappreciated.

So with that in mind, is it worth thinking about again if things were to change for the better? Or would we clash once more with differing personalities and not necessarily morals, but perspectives?



So we are at a stand still.

Is this a worthless consideration, or something to think about?

I don’t think I’m ready for the kind of relationship that was had. It was too serious for something that should’ve been an experience in getting to know one another.

I just not sure if this could be a good thing.I’m open to any feedback.

change?

I have a new neighbor…as of today, I believe. I’m not sure of her age or appearance, but I know she speaks her mind through her bumper stickers. Not to say all people who post opinions on their cars are outspoken…but it does cause a small riot within someone else with different views; especially if they are strong believers in their own thoughts.
Hopefully she is like her car. Outgoing. I think we would get along.

I’ve been looking at myself lately…analyzing…
Is it the matter of a lack of self-confidence or is it really that I admire so many qualities in people, that I want to share in them as well?

Am I that impressionable?

Personally, I’d like to think that I am trying experiences for myself to answer my own questions…and I suppose that shouldn’t matter to what other people perceive.
However, when I think back on it…I let people really influence me.
I know what I like, but around people I admire I switch my thinking.

Open-minded or impressionable?

This leads me to want to experiment…to not see anyone I know for a week or two…but I couldn’t do that, I really wouldn’t want to. If this is part of my “self discovery” then I want my friends to be there and take part.
My inspirations come from an array of people, and I feel that those qualities that I admire in those people give me aspirations of being a better person. So I shouldn’t question myself. Everything’s been done before; I’m just trying it at my own pace.